I remember it as clearly as it were yesterday.
I was in a group of people I’d known for six years, which I consider a long time. I certainly felt like a part of “the family”.
They wanted to save “local news” which to them was a newspaper owned by someone I consider a master manipulator. I respected all of these people who wanted to save “local news”. They had authority in the media world and in a twisted way, they represented my parents, the ones whose approval I could never get.
Full disclosure: I am one of those adults who is reparenting herself. Growing up, I was not noticed for the creative gifts I am now developing.
That day, I stood up to the “local news” people and said something to the effect that local news is not represented by newspapers. It is online, all around us and it comes from people, from our family members, our neighbours and for it to be trustworthy, we must understand its source. If the news source sees us as numbers instead of human beings, maybe that’s not an accurate reflection of our world.
They did not see what I was seeing because they lived and breathed mass media. There were five of them and they made it clear that they did not appreciate my view. It hurt like five people had just beat me up.
A similar situation came up when I found myself in a Clubhouse room focused on helping people earn money from speaking. I’m a writer who hopes to make her money by helping others write and publish their books. It was not the right place for me to set up shop.
In most cases, we are given two eyes and two ears and in all cases, we have intuition with which to observe. On Clubhouse, walking into a room of strangers, I had not properly observed before I started feeling rejected that no one seemed to want to write their book. It hurt but not as bad as turning my back on “local news”.
I am healing…
Public speakers like speaking coach Jose Ucar will tell you that speaking is a healing process that frees you. As a writer, I find writing is an expression of myself and is deeply healing. When I took the time to write my memoir, “The Wisdom of Gifts” I found those parts of myself, the curiosity, bravery, playfulness, that I’d long forgotten.
With self-examination comes understanding, compassion and healing. I started to see the little child I was and how only my perfectionist traits were nurtured as I was given the task of getting excellent grades to get into medical school so my family could be proud of me.
I started to find my creativity, playfulness, love of literature, stories and words and nurtured them, brought them up and out as a book and my writing is my healing process. For you, this could be painting, speaking, singing, dancing and you may not want to write and publish a book. We are all different and this is wonderful.
Whenever someone says “No” they are showing their limited understanding of what you’re offering. Not everyone will value what you value and as such, there’s no choice but to move on. For those with rejection trauma, the sting will linger as you start attaching the cold shoulder you felt from your parents. Stories in your head might sound like “you’re worthless” or “you’re not loved”.
Jose offers some useful strategies to get past the pain of rejection.
- Think about the bigger picture of what you’re trying to accomplish. I want more people to start realising their dreams of holding their own books in their hands. When I visualise that, I can move past the person who is not ready to write his book.
- When you get criticism, consider that it is helpful feedback. “There’s no failure, only feedback”.
- Do what Taylor Swift would, “shake it off”. Get that song pumping and literally shake it out of your system.
This article is a result of me getting back to my keyboard and writing my heart out. It’s what we professionals do. We get back to the keyboard, the stage, Zoom, Clubhouse, drawing board or whatever and start over and keep connecting until it becomes a beautiful conversation, then a chorus and then a movement of World Class Communicators.
Over to you…
When was a time you experienced the disapproval of other people? Have you reframed the situation to see that there was nothing wrong with what you were expressing? Have you continued in your efforts to communicate? Did you start finding the people who could respond to you in an appropriate way?