Staying in Bed, Walking Home

Sick days are when the real work gets done. This is what I discovered when a cold and flu double-hitter knocked me out literally. Oh, and I needed to be knocked out. It was my wake-up call from bullying myself and others all with the best of intentions, of course.

It’s ironic that all the inhumane things we do are with our best intentions.

May I suggest everyone put away their best intentions and act with selfish intentions only? I’ll try for sure.

Trapped Anger

What I discovered as a “good person” is that I have so much pent up anger. As “good people” conditioned by society, we are to be civil, or fake, even if we are mad as hell about what’s happening around us. “Don’t let emotions get in the way” we are told so we ignore our emotions.

But those pesky emotions, they don’t go away, do they?

We all know what happens when you ignore bodily pain. The more you work through it the more you risk damaging your body until you may need a replacement part or two. Ignoring negative emotions, which are red flags pointing to spending time with self to figure it out, is a sure-fire way to bring on numbness or brain fog. And with all that fog, how are you to ever navigate the path you must travel to reach your destination, whatever it is you wish to achieve in life?

I was and am lost too (though the fog is lifting). My goal has always been to write a book but I can’t be further from starting one. My negative emotions, long ignored, needed to be addressed and I needed confrontation. Unfortunately, I fucked up this process.

I confronted all the wrong people. Like my mum and dad.

Yes, I didn’t have a happy upbringing with a mum and dad constantly arguing and coming to me to get me on their side. At the time I didn’t know how to deal with it. I simply listened and pointed out that the other side had the right to an opinion too and that there’s no one completely innocent in any argument.

But no one listened to me.

I didn’t realise it for a long time but I was angry as all hell that I was put in the middle of their argument which made me feel powerless and depressed.

Then where the hell were my grandparents and other relatives? Why weren’t these adults helping the situation? They only seemed to make it worse, inflating egos. And many were just ignoring it. So there I was a few weeks ago with all this anger towards everyone I ever came into contact while growing up. I started releasing the anger in all the wrong ways, by confronting them and not the one with the problem – MYSELF.

Hint: If you’re pissed off with other people, it’s got nothing to do with THEM. It points to something within you that you must address. So if you’re worried that someone’s passed away without you having resolved your issues with him/her, it’s never too late to resolve it within yourself and free yourself of that burden.

Start a Revolution (From Bed)

Fortunately, I was in good company with all this anger to release. I also needed to accept that I have a tendency to be a know-it-all outsider/black sheep pushing herself in and pissing off people in the process.

This is my pattern in life which possibly formed because of having been so distant to both sides of my family and having conditioning in my head that I must not only fit in but be the best and the centre of attention.

No doubt that was placed in my head by my parents. “You must get straight A’s”, “You’re so smart, you deserve so much better than that job!”, “you’re so much prettier than that girl, so you deserve a better life than her”. What a load of rubbish they dumped on me.

This pattern of pushing for better cost me greatly as I haven’t had steady employment in the past nine years. Though it’s been a mixed blessing as I’ve discovered that I want to make my living as a writer.

So who better to have with me on this bodily and spiritual healing journey than a lady who wrote about her Camino pilgrimage in her book Walking Home? (Thank you Maz for lending me this book).

The author, Sonia is a spiritual guide and an author, who over the years picked up more emotional baggage than she could handle through her tendency to over-involve herself in others’ lives. The book starts with the deaths of her brother and father, and the break-up of her marriage. She had a complicated relationship for way too long with all these men. Her own inability to admit her anger means she needs the Camino to reflect on her life amidst the challenges of the trail. Her hiking boots squeeze the life out of her toes, she faces freezing weather, rain, mountains and horrible food.

Along the way, she finds salvation in the form of friendly strangers and lightening of emotional baggage and dissipation of the brain fog.

Reading this book in bed, I too felt a fog lift despite sinuses ready to burst. I started laughing at how silly I’d been looking for reconciliation for my lost childhood and years wasted not writing. Fuck it. I can’t and wouldn’t change a thing. It’s what’s got me here, writing. All I gotta do is what I’m doing now. Onwards.

Over to you…

What is your process for dealing with your unresolved issues? Do you act on them and let confrontation teach you or do you observe what’s going on in your head as you feel annoyance or judgment of others arise?

By |2019-07-25T17:22:56+00:00July 25th, 2019|